Some more thoughts

Since Mark's co-workers found out they were expecting their third, they were worried about affording daycare. I really felt for them, as they're both post-docs (just a smidge more income than graduate school). I knew that it must be paralyzing to think of finding another nearly $1000/month. I was glad when Lyn let us know what the going rates were for daycare, nannies, and homecare. We really had no frame of reference, except that we had done the math and 700/month added up to $3.50hr.

I knew that if I brought their baby into our house I would love her. I would do everything to make her comfortable and her parents at ease. I've done it twice before for friends who were working on their masters'.

A big aspect of this is how I feel physically right now. I am barely able to accomplish the most basic things to keep my household together (e.g. being upright before 10a.m., providing my kids food regularly). Things that used to be rote, like doing all our laundry, are Herculean. If I manage to get to the grocery store with the kids once a week, I only have the gusto to get some fresh produce and a few other things. Even that effort slays me for the rest of the day. I'm usually a foodie and love to make a wild variety of interesting nutritious dinners. But take this week for example, one night it was oatmeal and the other it was instant soup and quesadillas.

So the way that it falls out is this: Mark puts in 10+ (often stressful) hours a day at work, then comes home and tries to repower by eating basically vapors for dinner, before spending the night hauling our laundry to the laundromat or going to the grocery store or doing something for church. What would it be like if I managed to take care of even less for our family . . . So I'm not accomplishing much; at home, with neighbors, in any kind of personal enrichment/achievement . . .but, I'm pressing on.

I'm not writing all of this to complain. I love the choice I've made to do what I do during this season of life. I think that for all women it's hard. We measure constantly what our impact is on those around us--and how we can alleviate things especially for those we love.

So, when I entertain this chance to care for our friends' baby, I hope hope hope that I will feel much better by October. But I still come back to a mental image of me carrying the baby in her carrier, waddling with new girth, carrying Alli as well (sometimes), and verbally directing Simon to where he needs to be. All just to get through the parking lot to our car. No elaborating on what navigating the store would be like.

So, here's my last thought. It's just not my season. Case in point: I have a favorite aunt who's having serious treatments for cancer. There's no way I can offer to come stay with her and help--because of my kids and family right now. But my older sister can and has; she's an awesome strong women who has chosen different efforts than me, and that makes her able to help right now.

I want to help other people, I want to love you whoever you are reading this, and maybe someday I'll be able to work for the U.N. too

In the meantime I think I'll tell Mark's friends about the awesome Chinese lady across from us who has adopted my kids like a devoted grandmother.