Please don't single out for suggestions, selective enforcement of rules, "hope you don't mind I tell you what to do" statements, mothers in the company of multiple children under age 5.
Situations where this would apply would be:
- Seeing a woman: 1) 20 minutes late to her child's swim class (due to inept car repair men) 2) herding child A "I don't hold hands in the parking lot even though I'm two" 10 yards ahead and child B "I'm afraid of having to go underwater" 5 yards behind and deciding to tell HER she can't use towels. Good moment to selectively enforce. Harangue. Not the mid-50s lap-swimmer, or various gentlemen. By all means, let THEM be. Get that woman who hasn't spent a complete minute either keeping a child from death's door or negotiating with them to please do (or do not do) something in years. SHE needs some intervention. Get her! If she happens to slip away, go for:
- the woman who's toddler's playing in lockers while she dries the eldest's swimsuit (who's waiting by himself out in the hall because he's too old and wrong gender) and she keeps the four year old emotionally satisfied as to why why why why something? It's five minutes from her kids' bedtime and they're in a rush to go get the hungry husband from work, so by all means, STOP HER and let her know how you've corrected her children.
They are in a state of constant hostage negotiation and are already being suitably harangued on every hand by their crew of children. Did you know it takes them 15 minutes of negotiations that would make even hardened SWAT members weep just to get those children legally restrained in a car? Do you know how many sets of rules such a woman keeps constantly in mind????? Traffic regulations, teaching every imaginable element of manners and social convention, nutrition requirements, child medicine dosage levels, elementary school attendance policies, schedules of 5 separate humans, carseat installation, intricate workings of various businesses just hoping to slip HER mind (car repair, door-to-door roofers, all dem bills).
*** ALL WE'RE ASKING FOR HERE IS CLEMENCY. LEAVE US ALONE. HELP, SMILE, OR STAY OUT OF THE WAY. WE'RE A TICKING TIME BOMB AND WE'RE LIKELY TO BE TICKING FOR THE NEXT 12 YEARS. PARDON EVERYTHING. ***
And don't think that I just sat down and wrote this peacefully in "my office" without 20 interruptions, including demanding that someone not put their underwear on someone else's head.
PS/ She's probably running on nothing but animal crackers for the last four hours.
What are the best things you've had to ask your two-year old to do lately?
6 comments:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYAAAAAAA!!!
GOOD to have you back, my friend.
FAVE LINE AND NEW MANTRA:
Help, smile or STAY OUT OF THE WAY.
And as far as I'm concerned, I choose Stay out of the way. Because probably if someone tried to help, they'd freak out the delicate balance between right and wrong that keeps sanity in the asylum.
Keep on keepin on my friend...
tick
tick
tick
YES! DON'T HASSLE THE HOFF... or, DON'T HASSLE THE MOM. We all need to wear this on a booger- stained t-shirt.
Lance will only hold my hand when no people, cars, or cliffs are nearby. Get him near a cliff or a loose pitbull at the park, and he uses every fiber of his being to break free of me.
I am SOOOOO amazed at moms with 2+ kids-- and the fact that you are taking them for swimming lessons, I think, qualifies you for special status in this world. That's just not easy, plain and simple!!
I was JUST having that thought today.
I was in the grocery store buying food for a meal I'm making for a SICK NEIGHBOR tonight. My kids were being crazy and hanging over the edges of the cart, and pinching each other. I raised my voice and told them that if they couldn't leave each other alone for 5 more minutes they were both getting naps when we got home.
People gave me dirty looks. I don't know if they were for the raised voice or the kids hanging out of the cart or what, but all I could think was, "come walk a day in my shoes and see how nice you are by 3:30."
So yeah. I feel your pain.
I just had the same grocery store incident myself a few days ago. Stay away from the YMCA Emily. Is that where you go? I've nearly been in a fight with one of the lifeguards. Ask Susannah. She knows.
I love you.
I love it, Emily! I'm feeling very smart after reading that list of rules and lists we have to keep track of. How impressive we are, eh? There are so many ridiculous situations to get in and no one who quite understands... except other moms. Thanks for articulating so well!
Post a Comment